Link to podcast episode for this post
I am not even sure how to begin writing this as it has been nearly 5 years since I lost my son, Elijah, and this is the first time I am publicly writing about him. Those closest to me know part of the story and my experience, but I have always been afraid of sharing the full story.
I am not afraid because I am ashamed, or sad, or would rather not think about it. I am afraid that I won’t do justice sharing how his life and loss has impacted me and transformed me into an entirely different person. I won’t do him justice. I have spent the past nearly 5 years thinking of how I would share his story publicly, and every time I think of a way, I get nervous and just give up. So please bear with me as I write this from my heart, without editing anything or checking if it all makes sense. I wand you to feel and hear my true unedited experience, thoughts and feelings.
Also, thank you for reading my story. I know there are many things you can do with your time right now, so ready this means so much to me and I truly appreciate it. Thank you, I am so grateful for you to be here.
On December 16, 2015, my whole world changed and who I was was no longer there. I became a Mom and it transformed my whole life. Elijah was born on December 16, 2015 at 20 weeks and 1 day gestation. That was also the only day he was earth side, he became an angel on December 16, 2015, as well.
I had a feeling in my gut that something was not right the day before, and I had told my husband that I wanted to visit the emergency room after I was done work since I worked just across the street from one. He suggested that he pick me up, we go home, have dinner and call the midwives. If I still felt that I wanted to go to the ER, we would go. So that was exactly what we did.
However, this was my first pregnancy and I always had heard about first time moms being extra cautious and unsure so they visited the ER more often, which is completely normal and fine in my opinion. But like many things, there is always a negative connotation to these experiences. So, I sat in the ER doubting my right to be there and thinking I was just being “over-the-top” and everything was fine. As I was thinking this in my mind, a nurse came out and in frustration said that “if you are not here for a real emergency, then go home, we are very full and you won’t get in tonight anyway!” And that was it, she made that decision for me and we left.
Worst. Decision. of. my. life.
Always trust your instincts, and after that moment I NEVER doubt my instincts. I know what is best for ME, and only I KNOW, noone else.
I went home and slept only to wake up in the middle of the night soaked in blood and knowing that this was very serious and I needed to go back. We rushed back to the ER and got a room right away. It was nearly 5am at this point, and I was in the room in so much pain and I did not know what was wrong. My husband got the nurse but she did not seem to want to help me (same nurse as before) and did not check on me for nearly 2 hours. The pain? That was labour, but I did not know.
Once 7am rolled around, a shift change happened and finally I got a nurse and a doctor to visit me. But it was too late, my water broke and I felt the urge to push and I was alone at this point. I saw my son and I knew instantly I just had lost him and I was no longer the same.
We spent 2 nights in hospital, because I had a D&C following the loss and it was the longest, shortest, hardest and most emotional 2 days of my entire life. I walked into that hospital as one person but walked out completely changed forever.
When we were in our recovery room, the nurse asked if we wanted to see our son, out of fear, I said no instantly. My husband said yes, he wanted to see our son even if that meant I wasn’t there and as I looked at him, I could tell that it was the right thing to do. A social worker visited us and prepared us for the moment and she was honestly a blessing to us, we could not have prepared or had the experience that we did without her. That experience helped me heal more than I thought.
We finally got to meet our son, Elijah. We held him, dressed him, took photos and hand and foot prints. We spent time with him knowing that that was the first day and last day we would spend with him. The overwhelming feeling and pressure was so high knowing that I needed to pack everything into this one day, I needed to spend time with him and enjoy his presence even though he wasn’t alive.
After our last time holding our son, I cried like I have never cried before. The agony was unbearable. My husband was an amazing person to lean on, he let me grieve while holding his grief. I can’t put into words the feeling and experience we went through, grief is the hardest thing you have to do and go through and it is life-long.
When we were ready to leave the hospital, I put on the clothes I wore when I went into the hospital and it felt looser, I realized because I no long had my son in me. As I walked out the room, I felt like everyone was looking at me and feeling bad for me, as I was the one who lost her son. As I mentioned previously, I won’t speak for my husband so I will only share my experience.
When we got home, we had family visit for a few days straight and I finally had a breaking point and asked my husband to lock the door and don’t let anyone in because I needed to be alone to grieve. I was tired of people coming and being upset and I felt I needed to console them. I was very mad because I thought that that was so unfair. You did not lose your son recently, you did not experience what I experienced, so why are you acting so upset? Are you really upset? What is your problem? These were the thoughts going through my mind. I don’t know if these were true but at the time, I felt this anger that I cannot explain. I needed time to grieve and be alone. I let it all out that day, all of it, the anguish, the agony, the grieve, the cries, the screams, all of it. It was a pivotal day for me, because I no longer felt paralyzed in grief, I felt like I could finally move a little bit.
The journey through grief is hard and unique to each of us, but it does not make anyone’s coping mechanisms right or wrong. If you laugh during grief, that is OK! If you cry the whole way through, that is FINE! If you want to be alone or surround by people all the time, that is FINE! You choose what works for you and you do that! Listen to yourself, no one else.
The loss of Elijah has taught me so much. It taught me to be mindful of my life, intentional with my time and focus on what matters most. Be careful with who I surround myself with and who I let into my life. Create an environment of people, places and things that encourage and nourish me and my soul. Live in the moment, not in the future or past.
His life and loss has transformed me as a person. He is my angel that keeps me safe and guides me through life. For him, I am forever grateful. In The Magic practice, I was asked to think of one mistake and write 10 things that I am grateful for because of that mistake. I do not consider losing Elijah a mistake but I do think me not listening to my instincts, was a mistake. So here I share my 10 things I am grateful for because of the mistake of not listening to my instincts and ultimately, losing Elijah.
- I am grateful for my loss because it brought an Angel into my life.
- I am grateful for my loss because it changed the essence of who I am and I grew from it.
- I am grateful for my loss because I became emotionally and mentally stronger.
- I am grateful for my loss because it led to a healing 2 month trip.
- I am grateful for my loss because it forced us to seek help for ourselves.
- I am grateful for my loss because it led me to a job and to understand why things happen the way they do.
- I am grateful for my loss because there is an angel for Emiliah now.
- I am grateful for my loss because it emphasized how grateful I am for my daughter.
- I am grateful for my loss because it led me to discovering my purpose in life.
- I am grateful for my loss because it showed me what’s important in my life and to take care of myself and my emotions.
The loss of Elijah was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but the transformation that he has had in my life, I will be forever grateful because I am now very intentional with my life, my time, my soul and my energy, and for that I thank Elijah everyday.
To my son, Elijah, I love you and thank you.
