Learning from our parents
Link to Podcast episode and show notes
Our parents are entrusted by society to be our teachers and model behaviour to us. This means teaching and modeling how to express your emotions, cope with challenges, think and process life events. This includes emotional, physicial, spiritual and mental health skills and how to maintain a healthy perspective and mindset. This means that if our parents were not shown how to positively and effectively manage and express and cope from their parents, then they actually do not know how to pass this onto you. So let’s forgive our parents, and work on ourselves to stop the cycle of generational trauma.
What is a generational trauma? Generational trauma is the the experiences that shape our we think, see and process things including our emotions. It creates barriers, often to protect ourselves, and it creates triggers and sensitivities in areas we may not know exist. For example, something may have happened to your great-grand parents, they were not given the skills or learned the skills to cope effectively, so they did not heal and it created a wound. This caused them to think a certain way, feel a certain way and exhibit a certain action. If they did not heal, they passed this type of coping mechanism onto their children and so on.
However, you can stop this generational trauma from continuing beyond you. It all starts with self-reflection and shifting your mindset.
4 steps to unlearning from our parents and stopping the cycle of generational trauma
Step 1: Take inventory of our parents positive and negative traits
Take a piece of paper and dedicate 45 minutes to this step!
On one piece of paper write MOM at the top and on another piece of paper write DAD at the top. Draw a link down the middle, label one side “positive” and the other side “negative.” If you do not know one of your parents very well, I would suggest still doing your best with this exercise and the list does not need to be too long so just give it a try and see how things go!
Now think about one parent at a time, think of all the positive traits they have and all the negative traits they have. Focus mainly on how they cope with things, how they think, their mindset, how they process information or events, how do they manage unexpected things such as higher bills or bad news. Try to see if you can write down a few things about their emotional, physical, spiritual and mental health. The list does not need to be super long, but make sure you dig deep and try to look deeper into how they process and manage and cope.
Once you are done, take a BREAK! That was hard work! It may be hard for you or it could trigger a few things for you so feel free to take a break, pause and come back to steps 2-4 tomorrow or the day after if you want. You can also just continue if you feel ok to do so.
Step 2: Review what you wrote down about your parents and now it is YOUR TURN!
Take some time to review what you wrote down about your parents’ positive and negative traits. Once you have reviewed, make sure you are ready to invest another 30-45 minutes on doing the same activity but this time for YOURSELF.
Again, take a piece of paper, write your name at the top and draw a link in the middle, label two columns, one “positive” and one “negative.” Now begin to think about what positive and what negative traits you have inherited from your parents. What do they do that you realize you do too. For this piece, it may be helpful to seek feedback from your partner or your sibling(s), but the key is that whomever you ask, they need to know your parents pretty well to determine what traits you have picked up too.
As you seek their feedback, make sure you do not get defensive and are able to be vulnerable, that is the best way you will learn more about yourself. I talk about not being defensive in my podcast on how to shift your mindset so check it out if you want more information!
Make sure you write down what they have to say and truly take time to read through the list and start to think about examples of when you exhibited these traits, both positive and negative. You are beginning to connect deeper with yourself and started to learn how generational trauma has been hidden within you all these years. But don’t worry, you are doing the right thing with learning about these traits because you are on a journey to stop the cycle and to heal.
Step 3: Review and analyze your traits
By this step, you should have 3 pages of information about your parents and yourself. Now we will started to look at what traits you have in common and how to learn to make adjustments to stop the cycle of generational trauma.
For the positive traits, take a look at what positive traits you have adopted from your parents. It is wonderful that you have adopted their positive traits!! However, take a look and ask yourself if those traits truly bring you joy and make you happy. If so, amazing! Keep it up!
For the negative traits, spend time self-reflecting on why you may have adopted those traits. What in those areas can you start to change? What steps can you take to move the negative traits into positive ones? Which negative traits do you need to let go of so you can grow as a person?
As you self-reflection, it is inevitable that you will journal to keep a record of your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you create a habit of journaling while you are doing this hard work to connect deeply with yourself. You will appreciate the ability to review and realize how far you have come. This may be a great opportunity to set up a morning ritual for yourself so you can get into the habit of self-reflecting regularly.
I am an affiliate for an amazing program called Morning Ritual Mastery where you can learn how to create a morning ritual for yourself! Check it out here: www.howdidyoulearntodothat.com/morningritualmastery
Step 4: TAKE ACTION!
Now you have learned what traits your parents have and what you have adopted. You also know what you want to change to help you grow and be happier and to stop the cycle of generational trauma. Now, what steps do you need to take in order to action some of those changes?
Begin to write down some of those steps you need to take and schedule one change per week! or per month! Depending on how much time you want to dedicate weekly! Make sure that the schedule and plan you create works with your life, the last thing you want to do is become overwhelmed and not have the time to work through the steps you need to to stop the cycle of generational trauma.
As you continue to commit time to taking action, you will begin to see the changes in yourself and in how you have been able to switch negative traits into positive ones.
Make sure you take time to CELEBRATE your commitment and hard work! You deserve!
Share you experience on this journey with us!
What are some steps you have taken and how has it changed your mindset?
Share them with me on social media @howdidyoulearntodothat or by email info@howdidyoulearntodothat.com
I would love to hear your realizations and help guide you to think deeper and reflect more!
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Essential Tips
Here are some essential tips to keep in mind that I wrote in an earlier blog post!
- YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF ONLY YOURSELF!
You are not in control of anyone else. You cannot tell others what you think they should do, or not do or think. You also cannot force anyone to self-reflect, they have to want to do it on their own and in their own way.
You are the only person who is responsible to make yourself happy. No one else is responsible to make you happy. Only you can heal from the inside and live a more peaceful life on the outside. Materials goods and food can not replace the hard work of self-reflecting, healing and moving forward with a new perspective in life.
- Pen & Paper – Journaling
Use a pen and paper to write down you thoughts, feelings and emotions as you are self-reflecting. You can use a journal or you can write freely in a book. It is important to write it down because it helps to relieve some of the pressure and it also creates a document that you can revisit to reflect upon.
I have linked the blog post from last week’s episode above in the bullet point which has some great tips of how to get started with journaling. You can also get free access to my journaling tool when you sign up for my monthly newsletter.
It is very important that when you are self-reflecting that you continue to do so until you have discovered the why. The reason why you reacted as you did or felt as you did. This is the first step to understanding where you need to put your effort to heal. Once you have discovered the why, then you can start to create your action plan of how you will begin to heal. What will you do? What activities bring you joy and are your non-negotiables in your day?
If you want to start with some guided questions for various parts of your life, these 6 questions from Holstee are amazing to start with:
- MIND – Do you feel clear headed, engaged or intellectually challenged?
- BODY – Does your body feel healthy, nourished, strong?
- SOUL – Do you feel at peace and connected to the world around you?
- WORK – Do you feel interested in and fulfilled by your work?
- PLAY – Do you feel joyful? Are you engaging in activities that bring you joy?
- LOVE – Do you feel positive about the relationships in your life?
Therefore, the most important tip I can provide is to start self-reflecting today. Start with as much or as little time as you can, with whatever tools you have but start today. Begin to learn how to self-reflect so you can master this essential skill, which will allow you to weather any storm and create a strong and deep connection with yourself.
Deck of cards with prompting questions to get to know yourself deeper
Best Self – Courage over Comfort Deck
Get the Courage over Comfort deck with my affiliate link above!
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